You Know You're Stressed If
by Shiba Ayame
Summary: If you keep saying the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you have said it before... AxI. Oneshot.


Again, another one of my impossibly old fanfics, rewritten to whatever new couple and fandom fits my flights of fanfic fancy. Now try to say that ten times fast.

Rated T for suggestion of the sexual nature. Not quite dirty enough to merit the "M" rating, though.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing. If I did, I wouldn't be churning out 'fan'fiction for the masses. They'd call it 'canon'.

You're Too Stressed If...  
Oneshot

lolololololol

Integra sat up in bed, taking the questionnaire that one of her subordinates had given her. If she filled out the checkboxes to any of the references, she was too stressed. Somehow she felt that this would fall far from a real psychiatric test, but who was she to judge?

Loosening the ribbon tie around her neck and removing her jacket, she hunkered down into the mattress, grabbed a hard book to rest on, the paper questionnaire and a pen. She didn't quite see the smirk Alucard had on his face, lounging across the room in her favorite chair by her fireplace.

"Let's see " she muttered, diving in.

"You know you are too stressed if..."

_1. Relatives that have been dead for a few years now come visit you and suggest that you get some rest._ No, she was sure that her father hadn't raised himself from the grave to alert her to the dangers of losing sleep over the Hellsing Organization - but then again, so many strange, supernatural things happen around their motley crew, who was she to judge?

_2. You can achieve a "Runners High" just by sitting up._ "No."

_3. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before._ "No."

_4. The sun is too loud._ "Sometimes."

_5. Trees begin to chase you. _"No."

_6. You can see individual air molecules vibrating._ "No."

_7. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip of espresso_. "Most definitely not, I'm a tea drinker anyway."

_8. You wonder if brewing is actually a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. _"See above answer, thank you very much."

_9. You can hear mimes._ "No."

_10. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly._ "No." She paused, looking up to Alucard in the corner of the room. "Can you fly?"

"Yes. It's a 'me' thing."

"Oh. Ok." She lowered her gaze back to the paper in her lap.

_11. Things become 'very clear.'_ "There's a lot of things that become 'very clear', what do you mean to accomplish by asking that?"

_12. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get an order to go. _"I don't do drive-thru restaraunts."

_13. The less sense matter and matter is more than sense. _A pause, followed by an incredulous look. "What... the hell...?"

_14. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand._ "Unless a 'Channeler' is some sort of a newfangled vampire hunter, then no."

_15. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before._ "No."

_16. You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room. _"No. Unless Alucard's doing it."

The vampire in the corner lifted his head, catlike perception piqued. "What about me?"

"Nothing. Go back to... whatever it is you're doing over there."

A pause, and another smirk she missed. "Yes, Master."

_17. Your heart beats in 7/8 time. _"I'm not fighting in the field enough to know what it would be beating in."

_18. David Lynch wants to make a show about you. _"Who the hell is David Lynch? Is he one of those supernatural TV freaks?"

_19. You and Reality file for divorce._ She removed her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose, attempting to stifle an oncoming headache. "Sometimes, I truly wish. But reality is reality, even if there is a vampire camping out in your room."

_20. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. _"I never even learned binary in school."

_21. You have great revelation concerning Life, the Universe, and Everything Else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused before._ She blinked. Twice. "What?" Integra blinked again. "No...?"

_22. You can travel without moving. _"It's not like I'm a vampire or something."

_23. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition. _"No."

_24. You discover the aesthetic beauty of school supplies. _"I don't even use school supplies."

_25. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and then refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night. _"Now this damned thing is starting to make sense. Sometimes, that one's true."

_26. Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies. _"I never even had a teddy bear growing up."

"You never had a teddy bear?" asked the black-velvet voice, floating from the general area of the fireplace once more. "You actually never had a teddy bear?"

"Shut up, Alucard," the Hellsing leader chided, "You didn't have one growing up, either."

"I was born a long time before stuffed animals were even thought of."

She glared, repeating her previous order. "Shut. Up."

_27. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to. _"I wouldn't, but Alucard would."

"I heard that."

_28. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you have said it before. _"No."

Just where in the hell did that unrecognized subordinate get this list, anyway? Or was it Walter that had handed it to her?

While contemplating the subject, her servant - her poor, innocent vampire - happened to stroll over from his sentry at the fire, seating himself on her bedspread with unnerving grace. "Something's the matter."

Integra removed her glasses once more, placing them on her nightstand. "Alucard, do you think I'm too stressed out?"

The no-life king stopped and looked at her, head cocked to the side. She couldn't help but think that he looked more like a dog than ever. "What makes you think that?"

"Walter gave me this, or at least I'm pretty sure it was Walter," she said, handing over the checklist, "and I think he thinks I'm too stressed out. Maybe I am."

The vampire gave her a low, knowing chuckle. "This one hasn't circulated since before your father was born. Though, I guess there's a couple more modern additions..."

Sleep starting to settle in on her mind, Integra was dumbed by it. "What?"

"It's the first of April, is it not?" He watched her nod. "It's a practical joke. I've seen this before, it's called a chain letter. You're supposed to pass it along."

Integra just mumbled an 'oh', and motioned to Alucard to give her back the paper. As soon as she had her hands on hit again, she tore it into shreds.

"How stressed do you think I am now, son of a bitch?" She watched the fragments of torn paper flutter to the floor of the bedroom. With a sense of victory, she got up, walked past her vampiric servant, and claimed the bathroom as her own- or, rather, was about to.

"I know a way to make sure you're not stressed," the black-velvet voice implied slyly to his passing master. She stopped, turned and gawked at him, making sure to close and lock the bathroom door securely, not that it would help. She hoped Alucard would recall what little chivalry he had in his hole-for-a-soul and not intrude on her bath.

Alucard, however, was thinking differently. He knew just the trick to relieve her stress. With an ear-to-ear predatory grin and a low chuckle, he phased himself through the wall.

lolololololol

Insert witty author's note here.

Reviews are always nice, and are always appreciated.


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